Are You Drowning in Your Daughter's Emotions?
When my daughter was little, I used to feel everything she felt.
It's hard to explain unless you've experienced it yourself, but it was almost as though her emotions became mine. When she was anxious, I felt anxious. When she was hurting, I hurt too. And when she was overwhelmed, I could feel myself becoming overwhelmed right alongside her.
I loved her so deeply, and all I wanted was to protect her from anything that caused her pain.
But what I didn't understand back then was that I was getting so caught up in her emotions that I was losing the ability to help her through them.
When she started sinking in her feelings, I jumped in headfirst. And before I knew it, we were both drowning.
I was drowning in emotions that weren't mine to carry, desperately trying to make everything better, while she was still trying to make sense of what she was feeling herself.
And looking back, I realise she may have been trying to protect me, too. Holding back some of what she was feeling because she didn't want to give me more than I could handle.
We were both trying to protect each other, but neither of us was learning how to feel safe in our own emotions.
At the time, I thought this was what being a loving, supportive mother looked like. If she was hurting, how could I possibly feel okay?
But over time, I began to understand something that changed the way I mothered her.
My daughter didn't need me to feel everything she was feeling. She needed me to be someone who could stay steady while she found her way through it.
Learning Not to Jump In
This definitely didn't happen overnight.
Even now, when my daughter is struggling, I can feel that familiar pull to jump straight into her emotions. My instinct is still to protect her, take away the pain and make everything okay.
But these days, I make a conscious choice to respond differently.
When she starts sinking, I don't automatically jump in after her. I notice what's happening inside me. I recognise my own fear, my own worry and that familiar urge to fix things. And I remind myself that her feelings don't have to become mine for me to understand them.
I can love her, support her and care deeply about what she's going through without losing myself in it.
I can stay grounded in myself while she finds her feet.
And what I've come to understand is that when I do this, I'm giving her something far more valuable than an immediate solution.
I'm helping her learn that she has the strength to move through difficult feelings herself.
Our Daughters Need Us to Believe in Their Strength
As mothers, it's incredibly difficult to watch our daughters struggle, particularly when we know how painful some of life's experiences can be. We want to protect them from rejection, heartbreak, anxiety, disappointment and all the things we wish they never had to experience.
But sometimes, without realising it, our own fear can become part of their struggle.
When we rush in to rescue them from every uncomfortable emotion, we can unintentionally send the message that what they're feeling is too much to handle.
And if we don't believe they can cope, how do they learn to believe it themselves?
This doesn't mean leaving our daughters alone with their pain or expecting them to work everything out without us. There will always be times when they need us to step in, protect them or help them find additional support. But there are also times when the most loving thing we can do is stay beside them without being pulled under ourselves.
Sometimes that looks like listening without immediately offering advice. Sometimes it means sitting quietly while they cry or scream, or asking whether they want our help or simply need us to hear them.
And sometimes it means reminding ourselves that we don't need to make their feelings disappear for them to be okay.
Becoming Your Own Safe Place
One of the most important things I've learned, both as a mother and through my work supporting girls and young women, is that emotional safety doesn't begin with having all the right answers.
It begins with learning to understand what's happening inside ourselves.
When our daughters are struggling, our own beliefs can silently influence how we respond.
We might believe that a good mother should always be able to make things better, that our daughter's unhappiness means we're failing, or that if we don't step in immediately, something terrible might happen.
I know how powerful those beliefs can feel because I've carried them myself. But I've also learned that I can question them.
These days, when I feel myself getting caught up in my daughter's emotions, I try to pause and ask myself:
What am I feeling right now?
What is this bringing up in me?
Does she need me to rescue her, or does she need me to believe she can find her way through this?
Those questions help me return to myself before deciding how best to support her. And the more I've practised this, the more I've come to understand that being a safe place for my daughter doesn't mean absorbing everything she feels. It means being someone she can turn to, knowing that I will listen, support her and believe in her ability to find her way forward.
You Don't Have to Drown to Show Her You Care
I still feel deeply for my daughter. I still worry, and there are still moments when every part of me wants to take away whatever is hurting her. But the difference now is that I understand I don't have to drown alongside her to prove how much I love her.
I can stay close. I can reach out my hand. I can help her find her footing when she needs me.
And when she is ready, I can give her the space to discover just how capable she really is.
Because our daughters don't need us to rescue them from every difficult feeling. They need to know we are there when they need us, and that we believe in their ability to navigate life's challenges.
Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do as mothers is learn to stay grounded in ourselves, so our daughters can learn to find that same safety within themselves.
And that begins with us.
Thank you for being here with me and taking the time to reflect on your own journey as a mother. I know how much love, worry and hope we carry for our daughters, and how easy it can be to forget about ourselves along the way.
I hope this has reminded you that you don't need to have all the answers or get everything right. You can learn, grow and change the way you respond, no matter how old your daughter is. Every small step you take towards becoming your own safe place is a step towards helping her become hers.
Keep believing in yourself. You're learning too.
xo Natalie
If you recognise yourself in this story, I've created The Safe Place Guide to help you understand your own emotional responses and begin building a greater sense of safety within yourself, so you can support your daughter without losing yourself along the way.
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